I need to process something today. A friend of mine said something to me that has been bothering me all day, mostly in a "I need to think and reflect on this comment" not a "my feelings are hurt because he said that" kind of bothering. And I think the reason that it bothered me is that it is not the first time that someone has said this to me, and everytime someone says it to me, I seem to have a pretty strong response to it. So, to the person who said it to me (if you are even reading this...you probably are not) please do not think that I am angry or that my feelings are hurt, and please do not accuse me of being too sensitive. I am simply thinking about what it is that you said. I am not trying to make you feel bad or guilty.
All of that said, he told me that I need to learn to be more assertive. I am pretty sure that I have heard that statement told to me directly a dozen times. It is usually said by people who I respect and know well, and every time it upsets me a little. Every time I leave the conversation feeling a little confused.
Is it really all that great to be an assertive person? I mean, I think there is a balance in almost every part of our lives, and I certainly do not want to be labeled on the extreme end of that by being called a door-mat. But on the other end, is it really all that bad to be a person who is not assertive? And what would that opposite be? Instead of being seen as someone who has no self-esteem, no idea of self-worth, no understanding of sticking up for what is right, couldn't a person who is not assertive be viewed as gracious? And as I read over the last post I made about how God would define what love is...I see a lot of things that are not marked by assertiveness. "Love doesn't strut...doesn't force itself on others...doesn't fly off the handle...puts up with anything" How does that fit into all this?
I don't know, I don't really think I am a person that is marked by extreme amounts of grace either, so I don't want to go tootin' my own horn here, but I am frustrated by this whole matter. And, because I seem to be hearing this often, and because it bothers me, I have tried working on my assertiveness. I have seen positive steps even this semester in my conscious effort to speak up more in our classes, but my question to everyone out there who seems to think that assertiveness is a quality and characteristic that is great and that I clearly need more of, how do you go about doing that? If it is against my very nature to do it, can you give me some ideas or steps to take to get to a point where I can finally claim,
Hello, my name is Missy, and I am assertive.
Do I really want to say that?
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3 comments:
Your post reminds me of an idea I studied in philosophy. At the moment I can't remember who to give credit for this intellectual property, but they lived a really long time ago. Anyway, it is the idea that virtue lies between two extremes just like you were saying. Courage lies between cowardice and foolishness..... and my guess is that there is virtue that lies somewhere between being a bulldozer and a door mat (my example obviously less eloquent). That balance can be hard to find in so many different situations, so I can't imagine this would be any different. You have most deffinately become more assertive in speaking up about your ideas even in the few weeks since this semester started. I can't see you ever becoming too assertive because it is so against your nature. I just think he meant you shouldn't let your lack of assertiveness stand in the way of getting a job done. You are so intelligent and I know you are going to do so many amazing things in your life.... and I have a feeling that you are never going to let people stand in the way of you accomplishing those things which you are passionate about, and I think that is what is most important. Ok, this goes down as my longest comment ever, and with that I bid you goodnight!
Hey there. Sorry my last blog was so melodramatic. That whole situation has become very delicate and I was just speaking in the moment... Anyway, thanks for the kind words.
I too have been told to be more assertive, although it usually is along the lines of being more outgoing. I know there are times when I can be extremely shy and reserved, but there are other times when I know I need to step up out of my comfort zone and be more assertive or outgoing. Most of the time though, I am like you, somewhere in the middle. And I think that is the best place to be. When you want to be more reserved, you can. And when you need to be more assertive, you can. But the rest of the time you have tact and grace, and I think it is much harder to achieve all three (as you have) than to be dominantly one or the other.
Anything I could say past here would be really cliché, so I wish you luck and I know you will come out on top!
i think it depends on your definition of assertive. you could probably ask 6 different people what the word means to them and you'll get 7 different answers. webster defines 'assert' as: to state or declare positively and often forcefully or aggressively. do positively and forcefully go together? i think american culture often times takes this to the extreme meaning. but i agree with you on the kind of person God calls us to be based on the love passage in corinthians. i think i would rather be known as a person of grace than someone who is assertive. there's definitely a balance to be had.
ask your friend next time you see him what he meant -- that's being assertive ;-)
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